Comedy Quotes

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws.

I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down.