Comedy Quotes

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work.

Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.

Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am.

I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true.

How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws.

I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down.

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing.