Comedy Quotes

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

My son first wanted to go to Stanford, which I thought was O.K. The weather is pretty good, and it's a fairly short drive to the beach. But it wouldn't be as good as let's say, Pepperdine, which is in Malibu. And he said, 'Dad, what about the education?' I said, 'Clearly, I failed as a parent.'

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

All the people throughout my life who were naysayers pissed me off. But they've all given me a fervor; an angry ambition that cannot be stopped - and I look forward to finding a therapist and working on that.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

I wish TV had a knob so you could turn up the intelligence. The one marked Brightness doesn't work.

Do not compute the totality of your poultry population until all the manifestations of incubation have been entirely completed.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.