Fran Lebowitz (b. 1950)

Quotes

• Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

• Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

• Nothing succeeds like address.

• The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

• If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

• I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

• Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

• If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

• If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.

• Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

• Favorite animal: steak.

• I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

• When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

• Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

• No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

• I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

• Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

• I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

• If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.