Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Nothing succeeds like address.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Favorite animal: steak.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

My favorite animal is steak.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.