Woody Allen

Quotes

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.
Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am at two with nature.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...
Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE

Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience:
Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until one's demands are met.
Phoning members of the 'establishment' and singing 'Bess, You Is My Woman Now' into the phone.
Dressing as a policeman and then skipping.
Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become immortal through not dying.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?
The wicked at heart probably know something.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.
For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal
We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.
The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.
Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love.
The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
To <b>you</b> I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.