Woody Allen (b. 1935)

Quotes

• For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

• We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

• The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

• For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

• The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

• I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

• I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

• Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

• Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

• I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

• Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

• Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love.

• The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.

• Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.