Woody Allen (b. 1935)

Quotes

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

• Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

• Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

• To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

• Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

• How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

• As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

• Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

• Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

• Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.

• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.