Comedy Quotes

Of course the meek will inherit the earth, what, did you think they'd take it by force?

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

My goal is to someday be the person my dog thinks I am.

I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true.

How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.