Bill Maher

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.