Clever Jabs Quotes

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If you are resolutely determined to make a lawyer of yourself, the thing is more than half done already.

The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street.

There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.

Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.

Deep versed in books and shallow in himself.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.

That woman speaks eighteen languages and she can't say 'no' in any one of them.

Never interrupt me when I'm trying to interrupt you.

Washington is a Hollywood for ugly people. Hollywood is a Washington for the simpleminded.

As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls.

Thus far, the reputed idiot Bush has graduated from Yale and Harvard, made a stack of cash in the oil industry, become the first consecutive-term governor of Texas, defeated a dual-term VP for the presidency, and led his party to [November 5th's] extraordinary triumphs. Let his opponents keep calling him stupid; if they do, within five years Bush will be King of England, the Pope, and world Formula One motor racing champion.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

I love Thanksgiving. It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

I dote on his very absence.

I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.

A bore is a fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.

Cocaine is God's way of telling someone that they're too rich.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, probable.

He is a very modest man with a great deal to be modest about.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I'm number 10 at the box office. Right under Barbra Streisand. Can you imagine being under Barbra Streisand? Get me a bag. I may throw up.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.'

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn't want his job. I want to be President.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.

Like many intellectuals, he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a simple way.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member.