Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Quotes

• You are only as old as the woman you feel.

• Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

• Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

• I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

• I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

• If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

• I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

• Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

• Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

• I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

• You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!

• There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

• From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

• I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

• Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

• It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

• Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.