Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Quotes

• Go, and never darken my towels again.

• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

• Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

• My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

• While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know.

• You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

• I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

• She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

• I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

• Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

• My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

• There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

• She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.

• I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

• In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.