Clever Jabs Quotes

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, probable.

He is a very modest man with a great deal to be modest about.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I'm number 10 at the box office. Right under Barbra Streisand. Can you imagine being under Barbra Streisand? Get me a bag. I may throw up.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.

Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.'

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn't want his job. I want to be President.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.

Like many intellectuals, he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a simple way.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.