Clever Jabs Quotes

• I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

• I'm number 10 at the box office. Right under Barbra Streisand. Can you imagine being under Barbra Streisand? Get me a bag. I may throw up.

• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

• The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.

• It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

• Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

• Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.

• Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called 'walking.'

• This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

• If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

• I had a dream the other night. I dreamed that Jimmy Carter came to me and asked why I wanted his job. I told him I didn't want his job. I want to be President.

• Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

• Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.

• Like many intellectuals, he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a simple way.

• The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

• The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

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