Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

There used to be certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now, you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.'

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

I've occasionally heard that I was kicked out of Harvard for being a Communist, for dealing drugs, for corrupting minors, or for diverse other infractions of local decorum. Unfortunately, none of these rumors are true. The one I've heard more often is that I am dead. That one I encouraged, hoping it would cut down on the junk mail. It didn't.

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.