Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins!

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.