Steve Martin

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

You know what your problem is? It's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I wrote a novel this year called <b>Shop Girl</b>, and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, &#34;If you think you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending...that's going to cost you.

I could not handle being a woman, I would stay home all day and play with my breasts.

Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down.

Kids like my act because I'm wearing nose glasses. Adults like my act because there's a guy who thinks putting on nose glasses is funny.

Happiness is so hard to define and foolish to define. Am I acting? That's the worst thing you can ask yourself. You can be happy suddenly. It can spring on you, not when you reach a plateau. You can be happy going backward or going down. You can be happy at the loss of something.

What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing.