Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.