Henny Youngman (1906-1998)

Quotes

• What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

• I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

• All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

• I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.