George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.

"Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?"
"That's true."
"Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?"
"That's true."
"Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?"
"That's true."
"What does your doctor say about all of this?"
"My doctor is dead."

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

I would rather be a failure doing something I love than be a sucess doing something I hate.

The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.