Evan Esar

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

A signature always reveals a man's character- and sometimes even his name.

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.