Evan Esar (1899-1995)

Quotes

• Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

• It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

• Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

• Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

• Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

• Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

• Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

• All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

• The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

• Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

• Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

• Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

• The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

• A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

• Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

• Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

• You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

• A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

• Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

• Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.