Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Quotes

• I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.

• Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

• We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the human race: he brought death into the world.

• We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again--and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

• For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g
  j" anomali wonse and for all.
  
  Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
  
  Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
  hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

• Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

• If we had less statemanship we could get along with fewer battleships.

• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

• You can't pray a lie.

• Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

• We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

• Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

• He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.

• The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

• By trying, we can endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

• Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.

• Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

• Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

• In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.

• There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.