Robert Benchley

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.

Streets full of water; please advise.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment.

I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.