Mitch Hedberg

You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

I haven't slept for a whole week, because that would be too long.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.