I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. — Mitch Hedberg. American stand-up comedian (1968–2005)
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.