Lily Tomlin

I may be schizophrenic, but I'll always have each other.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don't feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

We're all in this alone.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying -- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch.

Thank God kids never mean well

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

I always wondered why somebody didn't do something about that and then I realized I am somebody.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

The road to success is always under construction.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.