Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Quotes

• Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

• I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

• My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

• During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

• You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

• Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

• I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.