Quote by Emo Phillips (b. 1956)

• Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.

• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

• My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

• Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.