Emo Phillips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Weh I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I like to play chess with old men in the park. But it's so hard to find 32 of them.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.