Quote by Emo Phillips (b. 1956)

• My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

• Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.

• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

• I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

• Weh I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness.