Steven Wright (b. 1955)

Quotes

• I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

• Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

• Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

• Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

• I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

• The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.

• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

• I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

• Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

• I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.