Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.

I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?