Quote by Steven Wright (b. 1955)

• I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.

• I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

• I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.

• I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.