Steven Wright (b. 1955)

Quotes

• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

• I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

• I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

• I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

• I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

• I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.

• I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

• I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.

• I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

• Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

• I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...