Steven Wright (b. 1955)

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and film producer. He is known for his distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Quotes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Sleep
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fishing
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?