Randy K. Milholland

The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them.

It hurts to find out that what you wanted doesn't match what you dreamed it would be.

The only way to be truly misogynistic is to be a woman.

Things aren't magically better if that's what you're hoping for. It's not that simple.

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.

It's a lot like nature. You only have as many animals as the ecosystem can support and you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.

In the end, you'll know which people really love you. They're the ones who see you for who you are and, no matter what, always find a way to be at your side.

Sometimes people do things that hurt and it's not because they mean to. They just do. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, but you end up hurt because of it.

Sometimes old things need to go away. That way, we have room for the new things that come into our lives.

That's the thing with suicide pacts. Sometimes they only really work if they catch you by surprise.

We all have a few failures under our belt. It's what makes us ready for the successes.

Slow and steady wins the race, then wastes no time grinding salt-caked glass in your open wounds.

Sometimes the measure of friendship isn't your ability to not harm but your capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own mistakes.

There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses.

Why do we have to wait for special moments to say nice things or tell people we care about them?

Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable.

Forgiveness is one of the many horrible side effects of loving someone.

Success only hurts the first time.

In the end, we decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it.

The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.

The shortest verse in the Bible is 'Jesus wept.' The only thing wrong with it is the past tense.

The only time anyone's admitted they were a Christian before was when they were busy telling me why they're better than me.

Never confuse the faith with the supposedly faithful.

I barely trust established sources of information. I have a hard time finding [Wikipedia], an encyclopedia that anyone can alter, to be a safe way to learn about anything except how many idiots think their opinions are a suitable substitute for facts.

I guess that's how death works. It doesn't matter if we're ready or not. It just happens.

It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions.

Our heroes are people and people are flawed. Don't let that taint the thing you love.

People age even when you're not looking.

Desperate is not a sexual preference.

Being prepared for loss is never the same as being ready for it.

You can't show love to someone at the expense of someone else who loves you.

You make me understand how wonderful it is for little lizards when they find that one special rock that's perfect for sunning themselves on. You make me lizard-happy.

Friendship is being there when someone's feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

A birthday wish granted 23 years late is still a birthday wish granted.

Ah, sweet alcohol. Like a true friend, you replace the anger with better, louder anger.

Think of life as a giant, fat cat you're in charge of. Sometimes you can control it, but other times, it's going to do what it wants and you have to roll with it. And sometimes you can do everything - everything you're s'posed to do- and it'll still shred all the things you hold dear... The only thing you can really do with life is rub its belly and prepare for the worst.

Lies are like children. If you don't nurture them, they'll never be useful later.

Death likes it when you play hard to get.

The grass is always greener once you don't have to mow a lawn anymore.

I've accepted that I'm not going to die of natural causes, [but] getting killed 'cuz you're naturally a dick seems like natural causes to me.

That's the thing about marriage. It's a shell game we play with ourselves. We're the suckers and we have to lose, but we play anyway because we lie to ourselves that we can win.

Slap a mask on a drunk and you're going to have trouble. It's like having a live reenactment of anonymous forum comments.

Nothing like a lot of exercise to make you realize you'd rather be lazy and dead sooner.