Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.

Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.

I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays.

I like sports bars. Sports bars are great because they collect all of the people I don't want to hang out with, and put them in one room.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.