Quote by Demetri Martin (b. 1973)

• People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

• My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.

• I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays.

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

• Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.