W.C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

My illness is dut to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

It's easy to quit drinking. I 've done it a thousand times.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.