W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.