Rita Rudner

I like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''

Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.