Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.