Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)

Quotes

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

• Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.

• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

• If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

• It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.