Quote by Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)

• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

• Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.