Julie A., M.A. Ross and Judy Corcoran

Quotes

• Ruminating about the past is like trying to drive backward to undo a car accident.

• When you get angry at your ex, only about 10 percent of your anger can be attributed to the current situation. The other 90 percent comes from your past experiences with your ex, as well as those with your parents, caregivers, and other significant people in your past. The current situation has simply triggered your past anger and allowed it to resurface. It’s been said that if you’re hysterical, the cause is probably historical.

• When you own or take responsibility for your feelings, you place yourself in a position of power and control.

• When you understand that your feelings are triggered by what you think about an event and not by the event itself, you gain a measure of control. Although you cannot control the things (events) that happen to you, or change your feelings (after all, you feel the way you feel), you can change your thoughts. A change in thoughts often radically alters your feelings.

• If you continue to expend your energy trying to change things that don’t really matter in the long run or that are not within your sphere of influence, you’ll wind up exhausted and frustrated, with no positive results to show for your effort.

• When a problem can’t be solved, an attitude of acceptance makes room in your mind and heart for solutions to the problems that do need to be solved.

• Taking responsibility gives us power and control, because when we recognize the relationship between our choices and their consequences, then the next time we don’t like a consequence we can make a different choice.

• When we make assumptions, we contribute to the complexity rather than the simplicity of a problem, making it more difficult to solve.

• Being manipulative is dishonest and immature. We often end up having to make up more lies to cover for inconsistencies in our original manipulation. In addition, it sets a terrible example for our children. While it may solve your initial problem, the tangled web that grows from such dishonesty is more trouble than it’s worth.

• A problem isn’t a problem until it actually happens.

• Blaming another person for a problem often keeps us from examining the different possibilities that may underlie the issue.

• Guilt is helpful only when it keeps us acting in line with our beliefs and morals. Otherwise, it creates needless suffering.

• It’s helpful to imagine your relationship with him or her as a business relationship rather than a personal one. Just as you wouldn’t share that you’re feeling fat, ugly, and depressed with a client or tell her that you’ve just met the love of your life and you’ve never been happier, these thoughts and feelings should be kept to yourself and not shared with your ex. Finally, as in any good business relationship, be honest and prepared to deliver what you promise.

• Fostering a spirit of cooperation with your ex means laying down your weapons in the war of divorce in order to protect your children.

• The point is that no matter what your feelings are, your children will be better off if you make them your central focus and work diligently at keeping the parenting relationship civil and cooperative.

• Your child can’t hurt you if you don’t accept the hurt. Let it go.

• Allowing children to fight their own battles is one of the hardest parenting skills to learn.

• When children feel they have to earn our love by what they accomplish, they never feel good about themselves, no matter how much they do, no matter what their age. Indeed, some adults work outrageous hours, make huge salaries, and always strive to accomplish more and yet are never satisfied, no matter what they have achieved. This is because they were never given the free, unconditional love of their parents, the love that is every child’s birthright.

• Children should feel loved because they exist, not because they’ve behaved in a certain way.

• Trust that your child is trying to be the best he can be and that he will do this more readily without your criticism. Know that he usually sees his own faults without you continually pointing them out.