Johnny Carson

I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

Blow in it's ear.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are you ready?'

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.