Joan Rivers

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.''

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.