George Carlin (1937-2008)

Quotes

• I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

• I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

• When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
  When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

• You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

• Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

• Its never just a game when you're winning.

• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

• Keep thy religion to thyself.

• The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

• There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

• It's never just a game when you're winning.

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

• Life.....is a series of dogs.

• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

• Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

• When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.