Quote by Jack Handey (b. 1949)

• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

• To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

• Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.

• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.