Jack Handey

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.