Scott Adams

Everyone is an idiot, not just the people with low SAT scores. The only differences among us is that we're idiots about different things at different times. No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

Men want sex. If men ruled the world, they could get sex anywhere, anytime. Restaurants would give you sex instead of breath mints on the way out. Gas stations would give sex with every fill-up. Banks would give sex to anyone who opened a checking account.

If you ever have trouble sounding condescending, ask a UNIX user to show you how it's done.

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be 'that stabbin' Dilbert guy.'

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

Dance like it hurts,
Love like you need money,
Work when people are watching.

You haven’t achieved equality until you’re a legitimate target for humor.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he'd rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don't seem so bad lately.

Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

'Wrong' is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

Technology: No Place for Wimps!

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

No matter how smart you are, you spend most of your day being an idiot.

Dogbert: "Well you know what they say, when life gives you lemon, make lemonade."
Dilbert: "But i'm allergic to citrus."
Dogbert: "Well you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, swell up and die."

There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?