P. G. Wodehouse

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.

"Alf Todd," said Ukridge, soaring to an impressive burst of imagery, "has about as much chance as a one- armed blind man in a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a wild cat's left ear with a red-hot needle."

To be a humorist, one must see the world out of focus.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.