Matt Groening (b. 1954)

Quotes

• Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

• If money is the root of all evil, then why do we have to have jobs?

• You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

• Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

• Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

• I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

• How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

• I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

• You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

• All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

• When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

• It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

• What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?