Jeph Jacques

You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.

Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room.

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?

If only corporal punishment cured low self-esteem.

You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself.

Your whole life people tell you to do what you love. But if you gotta do something else to pay the bills, you don't automatically have to be miserable.