Jeph Jacques (b. 1980)

Quotes

• You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.

• Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.

• The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

• 'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

• That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room.

• Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

• A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

• There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.

• What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?

• If only corporal punishment cured low self-esteem.

• You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself.

• Your whole life people tell you to do what you love. But if you gotta do something else to pay the bills, you don't automatically have to be miserable.