Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I told you I was sick.

Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.